Four years ago I remember I was standing in the middle of the rain looking up into the thunderous black sky screaming to the universe to end my suffering. I told the universe to end my pain. my struggles. I plead that it would end me. It’s never an exciting moment when you hit rock bottom. The feeling of it is something nightmares are made of. That night I had reached my low point; I had reached my darkest moments. I had gone off the rails and crashed, and it all started with four walls.
It wasn’t always like that. I remember a time when I used to smile. if I close my eyes I can see it quite clearly. I could feel the cool breeze from the ocean. Noise did not exist. the world was quiet and I would be able to hear my very own thoughts. I would take a deep breath, open my eyes and see nothing but blue. A blue sky with blue ocean with a spill of white from the clouds. I would smile. That’s probably why I love the color blue. every time I see that color I would instantly be transported to that place. It’s always fun to remember the time when you first experience true happiness.
You see true happiness happens very rarely. I can count the number of times I’ve experienced true happiness and it’s always different. 2013 would be the year I felt true pain, and the year I would feel true happiness for a second time, as well as discover what was truly missing in my heart.
I worked for T-mobile. Although the people were great the job itself was irritating. Now I’m not here to bash t-mobile, they treated me great; but I hated it there. I felt the life being suck out of me. I felt confused, I felt like a robot who was programmed to work there day and night. Sadly it’s the life many of us live today and if you’re comfortable with that, that’s great for you. For me it was hell.
Every day it would be the same story. Wake up, change, go to this store, sit on my chair, type invoices here and there, sell people phones here and there, crack the same stupid joke, close up and go home. (I bored myself typing that whole thing.) BUT, that was the life I lived. I’m pretty sure the rest is easily predictable. Man with a crappy job losses it and does something drastic in order to learn the true meaning of life and all that.
Here’s the thing. The four walls will never go away. You’ll always be surrounded by these four invisible walls. They’ll have you question everything that you do. They’ll make you feel okay, but never happy. They’ll make you feel tired and slow you down as much as possible. It was hard to break through those walls all that time ago. I had to fight, i had to let go, I had to hate myself and learn to trust myself again. I had to lose it all and begin from the very beginning.
But the walls come back and I continue to break them, I don’t give up. If I fail I learn to be stronger. I learn to adapt. Break down the walls in your life. Destroy them. Don’t let them get any higher. Be honest, if anything bothers you, SAY IT OUT LOUD! you hold that it and it’ll kill you, believe me I’ve been there.
2013 I broke free and from there an adventure was born. Until next time!